And another thing...

Pink slips all around

Let the carnage begin. The Ravens have fired head coach Brian Billick, a move years overdue.

Expect Cam Cameron to join him on the sidelines any day now, especially with Bill Parcells in charge in Miami now.

-- Ben Smith

 

This week in Perfectville

And now our weekly Blob feature, a go route around the You Know What -- which this week will be a perfect go route, in honor of the perfect Tom Brady, the perfect Bill Belichick and the perfectly undisturbed cork in the '72 Dolphins' yearly bottle of champagne:

* Yes, the Pats did it. Finished the regular season 16-0. Frustrated another Manning. Teased the '72 Dolphins, those decrepit geezers, by falling behind Eli's Giants 28-16 in the third quarter before roaring back to win.

  How DO you get the foil back on a champagne bottle, anyway?

* Resurgent Washington won its fourth straight, rolling up Dallas like a smalltown sidewalk 27-6. Tony Romo played sparingly and was lackluster when he did, completing just 7 of 16 with one pick.

ESPN talking heads immediately blamed Jassica Alba, Christina Aguilera and "a really cool cloud formation" for distracting the Cowboy quarterback.

* The Lions, who went bad faster than un-refrigerated mayonnaise, wrapped up their season with a valiant 34-13 loss to Green Bay in which the Kitties humiliated Brett Favre. The legendary quarterback, who had one of his best seasons this year at the age of 82, completed just 9-of-11 passes for 99 yards.

After much discussion, the Lions coaching staff opted not to tell the players that Favre played only three possessions.

*  Brady Quinn finally made his pro debut for the Browns, completing a 6-inch tuna-and-provolone on whole wheat to a plumber in Section 123, a 12-inch Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki with all the vegetables to an elderly tax attorney in Section 113 and a 6-inch Veggie Delite to the drunk wearing the Chow mask down in the Dawg Pound.

In a development unrelated to his Subway gig, Quinn also completed 3-of-8 passes for 45 yards.

* This week's Rex Grossman Update: 1 of 1 and a 9-yard touchdown to Bernard Berrian.

No, wait. That was Kyle Orton.

No, wait. It was Adrian Peterson.

No, wait. It wasn't THAT Adrian Peterson, it was the other Adrian Peterson.

I think.

* This week's Won't You Come Home, Marty Schottenheimer Update: Add another chapter to the growing legend that is the Norv Turner Error. Philip Rivers threw for two scores, LaDainian Tomlinson wrapped up the rushing title and the defense forced four turnovers as the Chargers won their sixth straight by lumping up Oakland 30-17. At 11-5, they've clinched the third playoff seed in the AFC.

Norv's reaction: "It's been a great season. I'll see you all at mini-camp."

Back to you, Cris Collinsworth.

-- Ben Smith

 

Even more bowl news

And tomorrow, in the Armed Forces Bowl, Cal takes on Air Force. And of course Indiana plays Oklahoma State in the Insight Bowl. And Florida State plays Kentucky in the Music City Bowl. And then there's rugged Fresno State battling always exciting Georgia Tech in the Humanitarian Bowl, which is played in ... um ... well, Humanitarian, I guess.

(OK, so it's in Boise. Idaho. Or Montana. One of those western states, but not a square one).

And, hey, did I mention the Chick-fil-A Bowl? Home of the world famous Tournament of Condiments Parade?  Yeah, we've got chicken, we've got Clemson, we've got Aubur--

Hey, no hitting! I'll stop, I promise!

-- Ben Smith

   

Yet more bowl news

Oh, yeah. And in the Valero Alamo Bowl, Penn State beat Texas A&M 24-17, marking Joe Paterno's 500th game.

JoePa's reaction: "Who cares? It's the (deleted) Valero Alamo Bowl."

(OK, so he didn't really say that. But I know you did).

-- Ben Smith   

More bowl news

This just in, like, 24 hours ago: Mississippi State beat South Florida 10-3 in the Liberty Bowl, which is played in ... heck, I don't know where it's played.

What you do you mean you still don't care?

-- Ben Smith

Today's bowl minute

This just in from Charlotte, N.C., the place every football team secretly wants to go for its bowl game: Wake Forest scored 24 points in the second half today to beat Connecticut 24-10 in the Meineke Bowl.

What do you mean you don't care?

-- Ben Smith

Ouch

Let us all pause for a moment, in a world with too little empathy, and feel Temple Baptist's pain.

The Runnin' Rams -- a nickname in appallingly poor taste, as we shall see -- took on Wayne State in a NCAA Division II women's basketball game Saturday. Wayne State won.

No, wait. "Won" doesn't quite get it.

"Pureed" might. Or perhaps "eviscerated."

It's gotta be something like that, because the final score was, um, 132-13. And, no, it wasn't a record. West Texas holds the Division II record for margin of victory, having taken a tire iron to National Christian 155-33 back in 2001.

This was bad enough, though. Wayne State led 38-0 before Temple Baptist, which dressed only five players and committed 54 turnovers, finally scored with almost half the first half gone. It was 76-8 at halftime. Lord knows how bad it would have been if Wayne State hadn't turned off the lights with 8:28 to play and told the Runnin' Rams to make sure and lock up when they left.

OK, so that didn't happen. But it should have.

-- Ben Smith    

I'm baaaack

Hi there, everyone. Didja miss me?

Yeah, well, I didn't miss you, either. So there.

Actually, I've had an enjoyable few days off doing the holiday thing -- i.e., eating too much, making too merry, the entire Bob Cratchit Overindulgence Collector's Item. Got some cool stuff for Christmas, gave out even more cool stuff, watched my 9-year-old son set a new world record for Most Times Misplacing New Gameboy In The First 24 Hours After Receiving It. A proud moment for the Smith clan.

Anyway ... on to the Blob-eration:

* Grinch Award for the year goes to Bulls GM John Paxson, who saw fit to fire Scott Skiles on Christmas Eve. Nice timing there, Pax. Cindy Lou Hoo would be proud of you. Not.

Enjoy the roast beast.

* I've gotta say, even though I think Rich Rodriguez will make a great coach at Michigan, I am totally down with West Virginia suing to reclaim his buyout. Attaboy. Someone's got to teach these guys that a contract is a contract and not just, you know, a Handi-Wipe.

*  This week's Tale From The Police Blotter: Cops in Florida arrested former Yankee World Series hero Jim Leyritz for drunk driving after he was involved in an accident in which the driver of the other car was killed. Veery nice. Is there some sort of clause in the Athletes Who Hit It Big contract that says, somewhere along the way, they've all got to screw up royally?

Now THAT would be a contract to try to weasel out of.

More later. I just saw a piece of fruitcake with my name on it.

-- Ben Smith      

This week in Brrrrettland

And now for our weekly Blob feature, a 3-yard run off tackle around the En Eff (’Ell, It’s Cold Out Here), in recognition that when you play football outdoors in places like Chicago and Buffalo two days before Christmas, a 3-yard run constitutes trickeration:

* Speaking of Christmas, it wouldn’t be the holiday if there weren’t coal in somebody’s stocking. And so let’s hear it for Cleveland, Green Bay and Tampa Bay, all of whom lost cruddy games to cruddy teams.

Good job, guys.

Oh, and a special commendation to Brett Favre, who went cliff-diving off his pedestal. One week he’s an athletic god; the next, he’s losing to Kyle “Screw This, I’ll Just Hand Off” Orton.

* Speaking of Orton, this week’s Rex Grossman Update: 0-of-0 passing for zero yards with zero touchdowns and zero interceptions. In zero wind chills. With zero chance that, by the end, he was thinking that “Jack Frost nipping at your nose” was a really, really cute Christmas lyric.

* New England cruise-controlled Miami. The Colts marinated the Texans. And Jacksonville, looking more and more like trouble, disassembled the Raiders like a 4-year-old taking apart Legos.

In other news, the sun rose in the east.

* This week’s Tru-Value Waste Of A Perfectly Good Sunday Afternoon: The rotting-before-our-eyes Lions failed to lose to the what’s-that-smell Chiefs 25-20, despite being outgained 407 yards to 236 and converting just 27 percent of their third downs.

This was not to be confused with the Rolaids Best Argument Against Overtime Ever, in which the going-nowhere Cardinals and chalk-outline Falcons went extra minutes before the Cardinals won 30-27. Kurt Warner threw for 361 yards and three scores, thereby answering the question, “If Kurt Warner throws for 361 yards and three scores and no one is there, does it make a sound?”

The answer is, “No.”

* Last but not least, this week’s Marty Schottenheimer, Won’t You Come Home Update: In the first Christmas Eve game of the Norv Turner Error, the Chargers took on the sorry Broncos, who couldn’t stop the run lately with dynamite.

Norv’s reaction: “We’re gonna throw. That Drew Brees guy’s having a great year for us.”

I’m done. Over to you, Santa Madden.

-- Ben Smith

Schuss this

One last post and then I'm out of here for a couple of days for the holidays. (Please keep the cheering down to a dull roar. There. That's better).

Just to get you in the Christmas spirit, I'll leave you with this one last priceless nugget.

Heard about the 60-year-old who's suing the 8-year-old?

Yes, you heard right. According to the Associated press, 60-year-old David Phaler of Allentown, Pa., got knocked down by then 7-year-old Scott Swimm while on the ski slopes at Vail last January. Phaler is now seeking $75,000 in damages for "therapy, vacation time, nursing and medical services provided by his wife," according to the AP, after suffering a torn shoulder tendon.

Some questions surface almost immediately here:

1. The kid, according to his mom, weighed all of 48 pounds at the time and was going about 10 mph, which sounds reasonable. Phaler characterized him as recklessly bombing down the hill like Jean-Claude Killy, which sounds preposterous. So if a 48-pound kid wobbling down the hill is all it takes to send this guy tumbling, what the heck was he doing on a ski slope in Vail?

2. If Phaler was receiving "nursing and medical services provided by his wife," how'd he go $75,000 in the hole? 

3. And in any case, if he makes the kind of jack that enables him to vacation in Vail, what about his health insurance? You're telling me he had none? You're telling me it didn't pay for any of the medical expenses he claims to have incurred?

Sorry, but this smells like Scam City to me. It also just smells, considering it's a grownup beating up on a kid for something that happens every day on ski slopes all over America.

"Who in the world sues a child?" Swimm's mom wondered.

Not Santa Claus, that's for sure.

And with that, Merry Christmas to those of you who observe. And to those who don't, peace on Earth, good will toward men and don't be a jackass.

Which means no suing 8 year olds.

-- Ben Smith