And another thing...

Vanishing act

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the International Association of Athletics Federation (IAAF) unveils its newest household product: Record Be Gone!

Just one application, and within seconds -- whoosh -- unsightly drug cheaters are Outta Here. Even Marion Jones is no match for Record Be Gone; over the Thanksgiving weekend, the IAAF erased the disgraced star from sight, taking away everything she's ever won from September 2000 on. All of her medals and awards from that period, including Olympic and world championship medals, must be returned.

Her titles are gone. Her records are gone. Every one of her results in every event she competed in after September 2000 is gone.

And without any messy residue!

Almost makes you feel sorry for the woman. Almost.

-- Ben Smith

Go, 'Dogs, go

OK, so Kansas is out of it. I think.

Time for a new favorite in my continuing quest to make the BCS look as ridiculous as possible.

Hey! How about Georgia?

I mean, the Bulldogs would be PERFECT. They're ranked No. 4 in the BCS, which means if Missouri and West Virginia both lose next week, they could conceivably wind up in the BCS championship against Ohio State. With TWO losses! And without even REACHING the SEC championship game!

Or ... they wind up ranked No. 2 by the computers, and they're DENIED the BCS title shot because they didn't reach the SEC championship game!

How cool would that be? How much of a laughingstock would it make a system invented by cash-drunk college presidents to hang onto their almighty piles?

Georgia, baby. It's the stick of dynamite that blows the whole rotten mess to kingdom come.

On the other hand ... Missouri vs. West Virginia isn't exactly anyone's dream matchup, either. So maybe we win either way.

-- Ben Smith    

Aging process

I knew this would happen. I mean, Vinny Testaverde is 87 years old, after all.

(OK, so he's only 44. But his BODY is 87).

Vinny, who regularly entertains his Carolina Panthers' teammates with tales of what it was like to hand off to Red Grange and Bronko Nagurski, turned up with a stiff back Saturday, and is questionable for the Panthers' game with the Saints on Sunday.

A stiff back. Yeah, I know all about that. An hour of raking leaves and mine's screaming at me.

This makes me wish Vinny never retires. He's the only NFL player I can still relate to.

-- Ben Smith

A farewell in Lincoln

In a season of sudden shocks, the least surprising development in college football this year finally developed today.

Bill Callahan was fired as head coach at Nebraska.

I can't imagine why -- unless it was the 5-7 record, or the 76 points Kansas laid on the Cornhuskers, or the 65 Colorado dropped on them in Callahan's farewell Friday.

Best part of the whole thing was the detail that it happened after a five-minute meeting with Nebraska athletic director/icon Tom Osborne. Five minutes. I'd have loved to have been in on that one.

TOM: Bill, we've decided to make a change.

BILL: OK.

TOM: OK.

BILL: OK.

(Two minutes and 57 seconds of uncomfortable silence).

TOM: OK, then.

BILL: OK.

TOM: OK ... oh, and Bill?

BILL: Yes?

TOM: Mind the door. It has a habit of hitting people in the rear end on the way out.

-- Ben Smith

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Reality check

Hey, I like science fiction as much as the next Star Trek dweeb. But some things stretch even my willingness to believe.

Just got the word that the Saint Francis Cougars lived to fight another day in the NAIA football playoffs. Barely. They eliminated Bethel 30-27 on a 39-yard field goal on the last play of the game -- actually the play after the last play of the game, because a Bethel facemask penalty on the last play gave the Coogs an extra crack at it.

I'm sorry, but I have only one thing to say about that.

A FIELD GOAL?!

Anyone who knows Kevin Donley knows Steven Spielberg couldn't make up an unlikelier storyline. I mean, Donley hates field goals the way a lion hates salad bars. I caught the business end of his wrath, in fact, for suggesting after the Coogs' loss in the national title game last year that passing on a field goal attempt to go for it on fourth-and-12 at one point was, well, kinda dumb.

Now you're telling me he won the game on a field goal? And that the Coogs kicked not one on the day, but three? On purpose?

Please. Next you're gonna tell me there's no such thing as Klingons.

-- Ben Smith

Down goes LSU

Good grief. At this rate, Notre Dame will be playing in the BCS title game.

(Hey, stranger things have happened. I mean, the Fighting Irish did win last week, after all).

Just got the word that No. 1 LSU went down to unranked Arkansas in three overtimes, which means the race for the BCS title game is down to two contenders: Your guess, and mine. And one's as good as the other.

Seriously, who do you pick now? Kansas, who'll likely lose to either Missouri tomorrow or Oklahoma in the Big 12 championship? Ohio State?  West Virginia? Heck, even USC could crawl back into this, having just knocked off Arizona State.

Likely we're looking at West Virginia vs. either Kansas, Missouri or Ohio State, and you know who I'm rooting for: Kansas. I doubt seriously it will happen, but, hey, a guy can dream.

Of course, if I was really a dreamer, I'd dream that Boise State clocks Hawaii, somehow leapfrogs about 13 other teams (hey, it could happen) and winds up playing Kansas for the national title.

Kansas vs. Boise State: How many network execs would jump out the windows of their high-rise offices over THAT matchup?

Instead we'll probably get Ohio State vs. West Virginia or something along those lines. Borrrrring.

-- Ben Smith

Real Colts stand up

It's been a bumpy few weeks, but Colts fans got something to be thankful for on Thaksgiving. In the tradition of the day, their football team was served turkey.

Amazing how much it looked like the Atlanta Falcons.

Anyway, it was just what the doctor ordered for the battered Colts. Peyton Manning returned from wherever he's been the last couple of games (I know, there was a guy out there wearing No. 18 and playing quarterback, but it sure didn't look like Peyton), throwing three touchdown passes and looking Peyton-esque again. Something tells me getting his receiver corps back intact, except for the still-missing Marvin Harrison, had as much to do with that as anything.

There's still a lot of healing left to do for this team. But they've won two games in five days now and look to be reasonably back on track again.

-- Ben Smith

 

Kudos to Gabby

I've already blogged on this over on Ice Chips (yes, it's true, I'm the Blob That Ate The Blogosphere this week), but it's worth mentioning here, too.

A hearty congrats are in order for former Komets coach and player Bruce Boudreau. Yesterday the Washington Capitals fired Glen Hanlon as coach and called Boudreau up from their Hershey affiliate in the American League to take over as head coach.

A callup to the Show was never more deserved or long in coming. Gabby is the quintessential minor league lifer, a slick little center in his playing days who never quite caught that right-place-at-the-right-time vibe, and has spent his lifetime giving to the game in the minors as a player and coach.

It's been a heck of a lot of bus rides to get to yesterday, in other words. So here's to ya, Gabby.

-- Ben Smith 

Thanks

Had a few minutes here before Monsieur Gobbler goes to meet his Maker (I'm thinking his Maker answers to "Butterball" or just "Buttsy" among his celestial pals), so I thought I'd list all the things I'm thankful for on this day devoted to that proposition.

* I'm thankful I'm not Stephon Marbury, who has to play basketball for Isiah Thomas.

* I'm thankful I'm not Isiah Thomas, who has to coach Stephon Marbury.

(If I'm Isiah, though, I am thankful I work for an organization that thinks sexual harassment is a big fat joke. Otherwise I wouldn't be coaching Stephon Marbury anymore).

* I'm thankful I'm not the next defensive back who has to cover Randy Moss, or Donte' Stallworth or Wes Welker. or pretty much anybody Tom Brady decides to throw the ball to. Two things happen now before every game involving New England: A coin flip and asking the opposing team if they'd like a blindfold and a cigarette.

* I'm thankful I'm not ranked No. 2. It's the college football version of the Green Mile. Next dead man walking: Kansas.

* I'm thankful I'm not MIchael Vick. Seriously, how'd this guy become Al Capone?

* I'm thankful I'm not He Who Shall Not Be Named. Lying to the feds is not a smart career move. And please don't tell me he was being "targeted." You lie to the feds, they're gonna target you. And once Geroge Mitchell's report comes in, he'll have lots of company. There'll be more "targets" out there than Sunday afternoon at the shooting range.

*  I'm thankful for, among other things, TV timeouts, Personal Seat Licenses, $10 beers at the ballpark, Bud Selig, Bill Belicheat, Adam "Pacman" "Mugsy" "Machine Gun" "The Teflon Don" Jones, Bernie Ecclestone, Comcast, the Big Ten Network, East Allen County School administrators and instant replay.

Thanks to all. Without you, I'd have nothing to rant about in print. And if I have nothing to rant about, I'm pretty much out of a job. And with my skill set, that means the next time you go through the drive-thru at Wendy's, I'd be the one asking if you'd like fries with that.

So, thanks again, people. And keep it up. My kids need shoes.

-- Ben Smith   

      

Rescue mission

Now the real work begins for Selwin Lymon, and the people who care about him.

Joe Tiller hit all the right notes -- regret mixed with compassion -- in doing what he had to do yesterday, which is dismiss Lymon from the Purdue football team after Lymon's second disastrous melding of alcohol and vehicular locomotion in eight months. Like virtually anyone with a working brain, Tiller recognized immediately that getting drunk and climbing behind the wheel of a motor vehicle while your last such incident was still making its way through the courts indicates a serious problem as much as it does a   cognitive deficiency.

In other words: Nobody's that dumb unless they can't help it.

Apparently, either Lymon can't, or there is some other plausible explanation for last week's DWI and resisting arrest charges that hasn't yet come to light. We should all reserve judgment, but the other plausible explanation doesn't come readily.

What does come readily is that Lymon has recklessly blown a golden opportunity, and if condemnation is the first reaction to that, it should not be the lasting one. Concern for his well-being should be.

-- Ben Smith