And another thing...

Simon says

TERRE HAUTE -- Much talk among the media regulars this morning about the ongoing Corey Simon saga, which continues to get stranger and stranger.

The latest installment, reported this morning in the Indianapolis Star by beat writer Mike Chappell, is the announcement yesterday by Tony Dungy that Simon -- who is on the active roster, but not in camp -- failed his physical. That was news to Simon's agent, Fort Wayne native Roosevelt Barnes, who told Chappell the Colts hadn't told them any such thing.

Barnes said the Colts told Simon to report to camp on Friday with enough clothes to see him through Sunday. But when Simon called team officials to get his room assignment, he was told he didn't have one.

Meanwhile we've got team president Bill Polian, minutes before Dungy said Simon had flunked his physical, saying the team was still "evaluating" the results.

The sideline consensus this morning was that was code for, "We're trying to figure out a way for Corey to flunk the physical so we can't dump his troublesome butt."

And you thought Peyton Manning's audibles were confusing.

-- Ben Smith

KG to the rescue?

TERRE HAUTE -- Had a moment here while watching the Colts quarterbacks throw rollouts to the ball boys (ooh, John Navarre just threw that one halfway to Carbondale) to notice that the Boston Celtics are apparently about to seal the Kevin Garnett deal.

This has immediately sent some foaming-at-the-mouth types into spasms of gooey sentimentality, raving that -- with KG, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen in the house -- the glory days of the Celtics are about to return at last. The more seriously deranged were even predicting an NBA Finals berth.

Please. Do I really need to remind everyone that this is the Celtics we're talking about, a team that was 24-58 last year? That even though they played in the pathetic Eastern Conference, that was still just two games better than Memphis (22-60), who had the worst record in the league? That three stars plus one basketball on one team isn't math that adds up very often?

The Celts in the Finals?

Only if Bird and McHale rejoin GM Danny Ainge. As players.

-- Ben Smith

Blue mood

TERRE HAUTE -- And speaking of the Colts training camp . . .

Lots of fans out here for the first day of practice, of every age, gender and jersey. I saw the usual gross of Peyton Manning and Marvin Harrison jerseys, but a fair amount of 29s (Joseph Addai), 93s (Dwight Freeney) and 21s (Bob Sanders), too. There were even a few 63s (Jeff Saturdays), although I've gotta wonder about the kind of fan who CHOOSES to wear the jersey of an offensive lineman.

On the other hand, I've also got to wonder about the one guy I saw standing in line for autographs.

Powers of description, not to say reason, fail when you're confronted by a guy wearing what appeared to be pajamas (plus cape) decorated with blue-and-white Colt logos, and a gold championship belt apparently swiped from Hulk Hogan with the Super Bowl XLI logo on it, and a blue plastic horse's head, and blue sunglasses whose lenses were blue horseshoes.

Somewhere in all of that was another logo declaring this individual to be the Colts' #1 Fan.

I should say so.

-- Ben Smith

   

Smoked 'em

TERRE HAUTE -- Yeah, that's right, I'm over here now, spending a few days watching large men in pads knock each other around green fields here at Colts training camp.

But first a few last thoughts on the Brickyard 400 I didn't get to last night . . .

I love it when Tony Stewart wins.

He won yesterday because no one could roll with him, in a race that ended a lot better than it started. All those guys running into each other at the start eventually segued into a scintillating duel in the final laps between Smoke and Kevin Harvick, a duel I'd have to say was the best down-to-the-finish scrap I've seen in 14 Brickyards, most of which could have doubled as general anesthesia.

But the best part about Stewart winning is that he's Stewart. Which, as he said last night, means you're not gonna get the usual bland, corporate I'd-like-to-thank-God-and-the-Dairy-Queen-Preparation-H-Chevy patter from him.

Instead, we got Stewart talking on national TV about all the "bull----" his fans take, which will probably earn him a serious hit from the NASCAR language cops. We got Stewart rolling his eyes and wondering "Can't a guy have fun anymore?" because some ESPN donkey whacked him for talking about how he was gonna put a serious dent in a case of Schlitz after he won at Chicago. We got him on his radio as he stuck the nose of his car on Harvick's bumper and started chewing on it with 15 laps to run, rendering a sound bite for the ages.

"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty," Stewart wisecracked. "Come and get some of this, (expletive)."

Classic.

-- Ben Smith

Disinformation lives

INDIANAPOLIS -- Apparently Brent Musburger doesn't get out much, even when he gets out.

I mean, he was at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway today, where swatches of empty seats, some of them quite expansive, could be seen all around the track. And yet here was Brent a few minutes ago, blissfully selling us mythology dressed as news, or perhaps just selling The Product.

"There's not a seat to be had!" he cried.

The laughter in the media center was widespread and appropriately derisive.

-- Ben Smith

Kissed off

INDIANAPOLIS -- This kissing-the-bricks thing has gotten out of control.

Oh, it's a nice touch, no doubt there, and a decent enough tradition for a race still young enough to be a little thin on tradition. Ever since Dale Jarrett first did it in 1996, the winning team for every Brickyard 400 has kissed the famous yard of bricks, and it's become an iconic enough post-race photo op that ESPN did an entire segment on it this weekend. So that's cool.

What's not is what I just saw, walking back from the garage area to the media center.

It was some young guy down on his knees while all his buddies in Tony Stewart shirts stood in a semicircle around him, whooping anhd hollering. Another buddy was taking his picture. The young guy was, yes, kissing the bricks.

And using his tongue.

-- Ben Smith

And the winner is, Part Deux

INDIANAPOLIS -- Speaking of my colleague, he'd like to weigh in on the prediction thing, too.

Mike's picking Ryan Newman today.

"I don't know why, I just am," he said.

Good a reason as any.

-- Ben Smith

And a good morning to you, too

INDIANAPOLIS -- Driving into the Speedway this a.m., coming out of the tunnel under the north end of the track . . .

And, whoa, what was THAT?

Some very large humanoid (of the male variety, no less) just flashed us.

Yanked up his shirt. Revealed some, um, manflesh better left unseen. Had an equally large humanoid sidekick (this one of the female variety) sticking out a thumb and winking at us.

My colleague Michael Rothstein immediately declared himself scarred for life.

"I think I'm gonna vomit," he said.

Hey, Mike, it's NASCAR. Cast-iron stomachs required.

-- Ben Smith

Twilight is cancelled

INDIANAPOLIS -- Wow. That was fast.

By my watch they ran through the qualifying line -- 49 cars -- in an hour and 45 minutes here at the Speedway, so forget what I said earlier about night vision goggles. Reed Sorenson's on the pole for tomorrow. Juan Pablo Montoya's next to him, where he'll make history as the first man ever to run the Indy 500, the U.S. Grand Prix and the Brickyard 400 at the Speedway.

If you're keeping score at home, that's an all-Ganassi front row. And Ryan Newman stuck Roger Penske's No. 12 inside of row two.

The lesson: The guys who know how to get around here, um, know how to get around here. With fenders and without.

-- Ben Smith

A Wie bit sad

INDIANAPOLIS -- I've said it before and I'll say it again: Michelle Wie needs a trip to the mall.

Cruising the wires while waiting (and waiting, and waiting) for qualifying to begin -- I'm bored out of my skivvies here, can't you tell? -- and I see where poor Wie went up like a road flare Saturday in the third round of the Evian. Shot an 84 and now sits 69th going into the final round, a day after shooting a 71 -- which was, alas, her first sub-par competitive round in a year.

Please, can't someone sponsor this kid for a year on The Gap/Banana Republic/Tommy Bahama tour? She needs to shop. She needs to go to a school dance. She needs to dye her hair chartreuse, paint her fingernails black, get a nose ring (or two) and start hanging out with some skateboarder named B-Dog.

In other words, she needs to drive her parents up a wall like every other teenager in America.

Golf?

Dude. It's, like, soooo lame.

-- Ben Smith