And another thing...

Pacers hire new zzzzzz . . .

A couple of things you should know about Jim O'Brien, whom the Indiana Pacers unveiled as their new head coach this afternoon:

1. He is not the Jim O'Brien who used to coach at Ohio State.

2. He is not the Jim O'Brien who kicked the winning field goal for the Colts in Super Bowl V.

3. He is the Jim O'Brien who was a sub-.500 college coach for 10 years and went 182-158 in five years as an NBA coach in Boston and Philly.

What a snooze alarm of a hire this is. Especially against the backdrop of the news out of Orlando, where the Magic is expected to announce the hiring of Billy Donovan.

-- Ben Smith      

Another Cuban moment

More proof that it's Mark Cuban's world, and he's the only one in it.

Apparently he's on board to own a franchise in yet another attempt to challenge the National Football League.

The latest venture, still in the wishful thinking stage, is called the United Football League, which ostensibly will play in eight non-NFL cities. Cuban's in line for the Las Vegas franchise, which is only appropriate considering what a roll of the dice this is.

Let's see. The WFL . . . the USFL . . . the XFL . . .

How many times does the idea of another pro football league have to get face-planted before people realize the NFL's using up all the oxygen in this particular room?  And why does it make perfect sense that a nutjob like Cuban would be at the front of the line for another try?

Personally I think the man still hasn't recovered from the Golden State whacking, and is not in his right mind. Though how you can tell the difference is a very good question.

-- Ben Smith         

The official what?

Some things you should never have to say.

Just caught this news release from the Chicago Bears, and it's nothing nearly as mundane as you might think, like announcing they've just traded Rex Grossman to Baltimore for a plate of riblets from Applebee's. No, this is really important: Jewel-Osco (a SUPERVALU company that operates 185 stores in Illinois, Iowa and Indiana, according to the release) has been named the Official Grocery Store of the Chicago Bears.

"This marks the first time the Chicago Bears have had an Official Grocery Sponsor since the renovation of Soldier Field in 2003," the release informed.

Gee, really? I assumed every NFL team had an Official Grocery Sponsor. Never thought they'd be caught out in public without one. Didn't you?

Now I'm all on pins and needles to see what the Bears' Official Condiment will be.

My money's on mayonnaise.

-- Ben Smith

 

Field of screams

Another mystery solved: Now we know who REALLY played Tanner Boyle, the annoying little twerp in "The Bad News Bears."

Alex Rodriguez, come on down!

That was, after all, the quintessential Tanner Boyle stunt he pulled last night against the Blue Jays, yelling "I got it!" as he rounded the bases and a Blue Jays infielder circled under a popup. Which he subsequently backed away from and dropped. Which everyone roundly criticized A-Rod for afterward, saying it was juvenile and classless and unprofessional.

Well, yeah, it was. But grow up, people. It was also hilarious, in a Little League, 10-year-old goofball sort of way.

I fully expect this sort of thing to catch on in the majors now. Pretty soon infielders everywhere will be chanting "Hey, battah, hey, battah, hey, battah, SWING!" whenever, say, Albert Pujols comes to the plate. Dice-K will be taunted from the dugout by cries of "We want a pitcher, not a belly-itcher." And then Joe Torre will take everyone to Dairy Queen after the game.

Yes, sir. I really think A-Rod's started something here.

Give that man some Bubble Yum.

-- Ben Smith    

Duel in the sun

Can we just give Nick Saban and the Miamian of his choice cutlasses and be done with it?

A duel to the death, that seems to be the only way to find closure in the continuing war between Saban and everyone in Miami (which pretty much would BE everyone) who think he's a lying, arrogant, horse's patoot.

The latest are reports in the Miami Herald and canesports.com that Saban, now the head coach at Alabama, violated NCAA rules on face-to-face contact with recruits when he was on a recruiting trip to South Florida.

Saban's was neither to confirm nor deny the reports, but simply to laugh and tell the Birmingham (Ala.) News that "I think it's funny that it came from Miami."

Which proves he's an arrogant liar, if you happen to live in Miami.

Which proves people in Miami are whining, vindictive jerks who need very badly to get over it, if you live in Alabama.

Cutlasses, I tell you. Cutlasses are the thing.

-- Ben Smith   

The wheels on the Buss . . . fall off

OK, show of hands here. Who wants to be Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss today?

Thaaat's what I thought.

Not a good time to be the 74-year-old Buss. First he gets pulled over on suspicion of OWI. Then his only remaining star, Kobe Bryant, spills the beans that it was actually Buss's idea to dump Shaquille O'Neal, and Shaq corroborated it. Then, furious at a report that a Lakers "insider" was still trying to blame Kobe for the banishment of Shaq, Kobe demands a trade in a radio interview with Stephen A. Smith.

Only good news for Buss: When police pulled him over, he was in the company of a 23-year-old woman. And somehow I don't think she was his niece.

-- Ben Smith

It goes around, it comes around

Back again from Indianapolis, and a head-on collision with deja vu.

(Wait. Didn't I just say that?).

(Wait. Didn't I just say that?).

Wait . . . did somebody say "Al Sims?"

Saw in our paper today that the Komets are going to interview the much-traveled Sims for its vacant head coaching job, which only proves that what goes around comes around, or something. Sims won a Turner Cup here in 1993 that springboarded him to greater things in the NHL; now, as he admitted to my colleague Justin Cohn today, he's trying to come "full circle."

This says a couple of things to me.

One, he needs a job, having been fired as GM at Flint for, among other things, trading Terry Marchant to the Komets for Bogdan Rudenko and Ryan Jorde. 

Two, the Komets need a coach -- and the available pool of prospects is apparently shallower than it was last year at this time, when Sims' name came up and Komets management expressed no interest whatsoever.

But time marches on, and circumstances change. And a year later, Sims suddenly doesn't look half bad.

I have only question about that.

Does this mean they're bringin' Fletchie back?

-- Ben Smith   

A soggy show

INDIANAPOLIS -- So is it over?

It must be over. I don't see any red trucks driving around, drying the track.

This will not, frankly, go down in my own personal history as one of my great 500 memories. Three-hour rain delays will do that. A race 34 laps short of the mark will do that. The winner coming to the checkers at a crawl, in a downpour, will do that.

I won't begrudge Dario Franchitti his victory, because he's a good guy and he's had his shots before and, if his number came up with outrageous good fortune this time, it makes up for all the times it didn't. I just wish it had gone to the finish. I wish it comes down to Franchitti going wheel-to-wheel with Sam Hornish and Tomas Scheckter and Helio Castroneves, and maybe Danica Patrick, too.

This is the problem when Indy gives us the best finish ever: You start expecting it every year. Maybe 2007 doesn't seem so flat if we hadn't seen 2006. Maybe it would be easier to be thrilled for Franchitti -- the first Scot to win this race since the greatest Scot of them all, Jim Clark, ran off and hid in 1965 -- if Hornish hadn't stolen our breath with that chase-down of Marco Andretti.

It might also have been easier to be thrilled if this race hadn't taken even longer than a Notre Dame home football game, which takes only slightly less long than some major wars. But maybe that's just me.

-- Ben Smith

Halfway home . . . maybe

INDIANAPOLIS -- It's an official race now, and, well, well, well, look who's in front.

It's Marco Andretti. And the rain is coming, 15 minutes away. And Tony Kanaan is breathing right up Marco's tailpipes as they get ready to go green.

Any takers the kid gets it swiped off his plate again, for the second year in a row?

And Michael Andretti says there's no Andretti curse . . .

(Women Drivers update: Milka Duno is gone, alas. Stuck it in the wall on lap 65. Danica's up to third. Sarah Fisher is 26th).

-- Ben Smith

And we're off

INDIANAPOLIS -- Remember what I was saying about the rain?

Forget it.

Somehow the wet passed, the radar's showing nothing clear back across the Mississippi for now, and so miracle of miracles, the 500 started reasonably on time. As I write this we're 56 laps in, Tony Kanaan's in front, and we've had four different leaders: Kanaan, Helio Castroneves, Scott Dixon and Marco Andretti.

And speaking of Castroneves: Once again a rare mishap in the pits for the Penske crew. Last year it happened to Sam Hornish Jr.; this time the fuel intake malfunctioned on Lap 40, dropping Helio all the way back to 29th. He's back to 16th now, though, so he's going to be heard from again before the day's done.

And for our first Women Drivers update: Danica Patrick is up to 7th, Sarah Fisher is 20th and Milka Duno is 27th.

More later.

-- Ben Smith