INDIANAPOLIS -- Sitting here waiting for the race to start (and waiting, and waiting ... why did I get here at 8 a.m. again?), and I see that NFL commish Roger "The Hammer" Goodell is ready to crack down on the epidemic of drunken fan violence.
This is a good thing, by and large. No one wants the NFL to turn into English soccer. Or German soccer, for that matter. Or Italian soccer, or South American soccer, or ... well, you get the idea.
I did notice, however, that most of the examples of fan outrage cited in the aforementioned piece involved either Oakland or Philadelphia. Big surprise. Raider fans are and always have been insane; Philadelphia fans are and always have been gaping you-know-whats.
Here's what I recommend:
1. The next time Oakland fans go into biker-gang mode, dynamite the Golden Gate bridge and throw up an electrified fence for good measure. Just keep 'em away from the rest of us.
2. The next time Philly fans behave like rabid Dobermans -- sometime in the next five minutes would be my guess -- crop-dust the entire city with Prozac. They'll still throw junk at their own players, but maybe it'll be softer junk, like couch cushions and cute fluffy stuffed animals.
-- Ben Smith
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