And another thing...

A-tampering we will go

Indiana basketball coach Tom Crean smells something fishier than Long John Silver's, and it sounds like he has every right to.

Crean says that the transfer of Eli Holman to Detroit Mercy seems orchestrated in retrospect, and certainly the circumstantial evidence suggests as much. He says Holman at first seemed receptive to staying at Indiana, then said he wanted to transfer to be closer to his family in California.

I'm no cartographer, but even I can tell from looking at a map that Detroit isn't, you know, closer to California than Bloomington. The fact that Detroit Mercy's head coach is now Ray McCallum, an assistant and player favorite in the deposed Kelvin Sampson regime at Indiana, doesn't do anything but hoist the eyebrows, either.

Sounds shadier than a spreading oak to me.

-- Ben Smith   

Boating while black?

Apparently the whole story of Cedric Benson's arrest for a boating infraction and resisting arrest has yet to be told.

Two witnesses have now come forward to dispute the official police version of events, which was that Benson was drunk and resisted arrest. One witness called the cops' pepper-spraying of Benson "ludicrous." Another, more disturbingly, says he wasn't intoxicated and that she's been on his boat half a dozen times, and each time Benson's been pulled over for a "routine" safety inspection.

Sounds like the aquatic version of Driving While Black to me. Stay tuned.

-- Ben Smith

No, don't back up the hearse

We interrupt this eulogy for an important message: The dear departed ain't departed yet.

If you don't know already, the Komets rose from the grave and walked in Game 5 tonight, winning 4-2. Now it's back to Port Huron for Game 6.

I'd like to think the Komets will duplicate there the effort they gave tonight. But I thought they'd do that Wednesday, and instead they mailed it in. So I'm through predicting.

All I can say is, I won't be surprised if we're back here for Game 7 on Monday. And I won't be surprised if we're not.

-- Ben Smith

Back up the hearse?

Oh, by the way: Game 5 of the Turner Cup Finals is about to begin here at the Coliseum. I noticed the Port Huron paper has sent an extra couple of guys -- one reporter and a photographer, I'm guessing -- in case the Icehawks clinch tonight.

My colleague, Justin Cohn, observed that the boys looked like they wanted to be anywhere but here during warmups. I'll defer judgment, having personally witnessed the comeback from 3-1 against
Rockford in 2005. I thought they were done then, too.

But I have a feeling if the Icehawks score first tonight, the Komets will be as over as Hillary Clinton.

-- Ben Smith

Blown out of proportion

Maybe it's just me, but I really don't see how the Chicago White Sox using an inflatable sex doll to break the curse on their bats is much of an outrage.

I mean, come on, how's it different from that scene in "Major League" where the players put up a cardboard cutup of their owner, an ex-stripper, and removed an article of clothing every time they won a game?

Let's face it, there's a reason athletes consider the locker room to be their inner sanctum. Where else can they behave like the goofy adolescents so many of them are at heart?

Frankly I think the whole Dollgate thing's sort of funny, not to say a trifle ingenious. Lighten up, people.

-- Ben Smith 

Gentlemen, start your muzzles

I swear, the more I hear about the Beijing Olympics, the more I'm thinking of staging my own private boycott and turning them off.

Heard the latest?

Apparently the IOC has sent out a letter forbidding any Olympic athlete from saying or doing anything (waving flags, i.e.) that might be construed as political.

In other words: Let's not torque off the Chinese, ladies and gentlemen. After all, there are corporate interests at stake for our sponsors.

To hell with that. If you're going to invite the world onto your stage, then you have to live with the consequences, good and bad. And if that means the athletes might choose to point out that China is not, shall we say, a democratic utopia, so be it.

Frankly, I'd love to see the athletes openly defy this by mentioning Darfur and Tibet every chance they get. What's the IOC gonna do, send them all home? Demand they return their medals?

Yeah, right. Let's see how far they'd get with that one.

-- Ben Smith

Komets lose, Komets lose

PORT HURON, Mich. -- Well, that wasn't fun.

Port Huron 5, Fort Wayne 1 and if there's symbolism at all to be had at this point, here it is: Colin Chaulk's eye was a lovely shade of purple in the dressing room after the game.

Black eye for the spiritual leader of this team, black eye for the team in general.

Personally I think this game decided the series, though I wouldn't be surprised if the Komets climbed off the deck to force a Game 6 back here again. But they haven't been able to put two decent games together in this entire series, let alone three. So it looks like slim and none for the miracle comeback.

Now I guess we all know how the San Diego Gulls felt back in '93.

-- Ben Smith

Owie

PORT HURON, Mich. -- You know that thing where the Fort Wayne Komets raise the Turner Cup and parade around the rink with it?

Better hold off on that one.

Which is to say, the boys are getting marinated here in Game 4. It's 5-1 Port Huron after two periods and it's not that close. Everything the Komets said they had to do after the big win in Game 3 -- crash the net, create traffic in front, keep the pressure on Port Huron goalie Larry Sterling -- they have failed utterly to do.

Sorry, Komets fans. But from where I'm sitting, barring a miracle that frankly doesn't look forthcoming, this deal looks over.

-- Ben Smith 

Port Huron again

PORT HURON, Mich. -- Well, here we are again in God's Country, 30 minutes away from Game 4 of the Turner Cup finals. And if this series has a crossroads, we're at it.

If Port Huron wins it's 3-1 in the Icehawks favor and all but over; if the Komets win, we're even at 2-2 and, as Al Sims noted the other night, it's best two-of-three with two of three in Fort Wayne.

In other words: Whoever wins tonight wins the series.

-- Ben Smith

An NBA playoff moment

Although it violates the bylaws and codicils of the Blob, I've chosen to suspend all of that for a second to comment on the NBA playoffs.

(Which are going on now, by the way, and will continue until either Kobe Bryant qualifies for AARP benefits, or the polar ice caps melt, whichever comes first).

Anyway ...

Caught part of Game 1between Boston and Cleveland last night, and once again, I failed to be awed by the NBA game. The final was 76-72 and, although NBA fans will spin that as the consequence of great defense, I beg to differ. It was just really, really lousy offense.

Frankly I've seen kids in Biddy Basketball miss fewer open layups than LeBron did. If this is playoff hoops in the NBA, you can have it.

-- Ben Smith

Run to death?

Look, don't lump me in with those People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals kooks. Unlike them, I don't believe for a second that the filly Eight Belles, who broke down and had to be euthanized after finishing second in the Kentucky Derby, was in any way driven to her death because her jockey went to the whip down the stretch.

As the filly's trainer, Larry Jones, pointed out this week, Saez was only using the whip to keep Eight Belles off the rail. He wasn't trying to drive her past Big Brown, because he knew that wasn't possible.

Sorry, but that makes perfect sense to me.

What doesn't, and where I kinda-sorta line up with PETA, is when Jones says he doesn't want people to think of the sport of kings as "abusive."

Too late, Larry.

In point of fact, it is abusive, at least to a degree, by its very nature. A top-flight thoroughbred puts incredible stress on the most fragile of bone structures under the best of circumstances. I'm frankly amazed more of them don't snap their legs like twigs.

I'm sure what Jones meant is the sport isn't INTENTIONALLY abusive, and that I'll buy. But as with any athletes, a certain amount of abusing one's body comes with the territory for thoroughbreds.

-- Ben Smith    

A-Nod

Forget Alex Rodriguez' on-base percentage. It's his on-the-floor percentage everyone's talking about now.

This after Rodriguez' wife, Cynthia, spilled the beans in a recent interview that A-Rod fainted during the birth of his daughter in 2004.  It's sure to do wonders for him in New York, where he's worked hard to overcome the perception that he's a wonderful player who, you know, folds in the clutch.

Now we find out it happens off the field, too. Poor guy can't catch a break.

Though someone might want to be around to catch him, the next time Cynthia's in the delivery room.

-- Ben Smith

Pick your thug league

OK, so let me get this straight. Marvin Harrison gets hauled by the cops for questioning after ballistics show someone got shot in the hand outside Harrison's Philadelphia nightspot by Harrison's gun.

A few days later, Bears running back Cedric Benson gets drunk on his boat down in Texas, allegedly lips off to the cops, winds up getting arrested on a smorgasbord of minor charges.

Pacman Jones is back in the league with Dallas. Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry, currently under house arrest, will be allowed out to try out for whatever team wants him -- and you know some team will.

But it's the NBA that has the gangsta rep?

Someone please explain.

-- Ben Smith

Back on track

Shoulda done this last night, but ...

It never ceases to amaze me how, in a short series, one game can completely change the atmosphere in a locker room.

Case in point: The Komets locker room last night, after the 5-1 Game 3 rout of Port Huron.

Suddenly a team whose members, some of them, were openly talking only of getting the Turner Cup Finals to a sixth or seventh game -- I didn't hear any talk of winning it, after the Game 2 loss -- is acting like it's leading the series. And maybe with good reason. For the second straight night the Komets played the way they have to play to beat Port Huron, and last night they did it in spades, dominating the way they did through much of the regular season.

Which is to say: The Komets have their mojo back. At least for now.

-- Ben Smith   

The goal

Back in Fort Wayne again (I think) for Game 3 of the Turner Cup finals, and, well, since everyone else in creation has weighed in on this, I guess I will, too.

I refer, of course, to The Goal. Or, Not The Goal.

Three thousand fans saw Konstantin Shafranov rifle the puck with 5:17 left in Game 2 last night, and probably 2,997 of them thought it was a goal. So did at least one janitor at McMorran Arena, who made a point of telling us so as we left the arena at 12:30 this morning.

Certain off-ice officials and others who painstakingly reviewed the tape, however, thought it was inconclusive. So there you go.

Me?

I thought it was a goal. Looked to me like it hit the top of the net and came back out. But it was in and out so fast, I wouldn't bet my house on it.

Bottom line is, we'll probably never know for sure. I know that's not going to convince the already convinced, but that's the reality of it.

-- Ben Smith

Deja vu

PORT HURON, Mich. -- Howdy from Game 2 of the Turner Cup finals, and I've gotta say: I'm getting a serious deja vu rush here.

I swear, McMorran Arena hasn't changed an iota since the last time I was here -- 35 years ago.

The layout's the same. The seats are the same. And it's just as small as I remember.

I bet if I thought about it long enough, I could find my seat from April 15, 1973. And by that I mean, the ACTUAL SEAT, since, like I said, it doesn't appear they've been replaced in the last 35 years.

I just hope I don't completely freak out and run onto the ice at the end of the game again. I can't be sure, but I think I saw Cal Purinton down there, waiting to run me down again.

Or maybe it was Brent Henley.

-- Ben Smith

Call me seer, sort of

History was made today at the 134th Kentucky Derby.

No, not because Big Brown, the prohibitive favorite, became the first horse since 1929 to win from the 20th post position. That's nothing.

What was really historic was that, for the first time ever, I actually picked a horse that finished in the money.

OK, so Denis of Cork (still love saying that) didn't win. Or finish second. But he did finish third, which means one of two thing:

1. I know more about horse racing than I suspect.

2. Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn sometime.

Please. Don't everybody pick "2" at once.

-- Ben Smith

Horsin' around

I've said it before, here in the Blob and elsewhere, but I love everything about the Kentucky Derby.

I love the hats. I love the Kentucky Colonels in their white suits and string ties. I love the twin spires, the mint juleps, that song by Dan Fogelberg ("Run for the Roses"), the expression "walking the shedrow," the way at least one horse every year refuses to enter the gate, thereby earning the coveted Juvenile Delinquent of the Year award.

I also love picking the winner, even though I know absolutely nothing about horse racing.

What I do know this time around is that the 134th running of the Derby will apparently be contested by 101 Dalmations. According to people who do know what they're talking about, this field has more mutts than the county kennel. It's strictly Alpo to win and Iams and Purina closing fast for place and show.

So I guess I can pretty much pick any horse I want -- except for the favorite, Big Brown, because what fun is that? -- and not be any dumber than anyone else. Every horse in the field goes off at 20-1, unless it's going off at 30-1. One horse, Big Truck, was even at 50-1 the last I looked.

(Personally, I want to see a horse that goes off 50-1 in this field. I bet he only has three legs).

Anyway ... since it doesn't really matter who I pick, I pick Denis of Cork, a 20-1 shot out of Florida.

No reason, really. I just like saying "Denis of Cork." Oh, and his colors sound hideous -- fuschia and teal, no lie -- which suggests he might be more motivated than most to get the race over with as quickly as possible. Plus his jockey's Calvin Borel, who treated America to one of the goofier post-race celebrations ever after winning the Derby aboard Street Sense last year.

I want to see Calvin go nuts again. So I'm putting my money on Denis of Cork. All two bucks of it.

-- Ben Smith

Gunplay

Rampant speculation being what it is -- viral and epidemic -- I'm sure there will be some truly epic jumping to conclusions now that police interviewed Colts star Marvin Harrison about a non-fatal shooting outside a Philadelphia bar.

Doesn't look good for Harrison, in the jumping-to-conclusions game. Apparently he argued with a patron of the bar, followed him outside, and gunfire was heard shortly thereafter. Ballistics have determined the victim was shot with a bullet from a custom Belgian firearm whose make and model matches one Harrison owns.

That said ... we don't really know anything yet. But if the details are correct, and Harrison ends up being involved, once again athletes plus guns will equal not personal protection but simple mayhem.

-- Ben Smith

Seamier, again

... and speaking of Roger Clemens and his affairs, I just read that Barbara Walters had an affair with Sen. Edward Brooke in the 1970s. Apparently it was over by 1978, though.

Which would have left Baba Wawa plenty of time to hook up with an adolescent Rocket ...

-- Ben Smith   

Lou, Lou, Lou

Congrats to Lou Holtz for his induction into the College Football Hall of Fame.

And you know what?

Guy's probably STILL scared to death of Rice.

-- Ben Smith

Sportsmanship lives

If you haven't seen this yet, check out the hands-down winner for sportsmanlike act of the year.

Makes you actually believe in the games again. Even if you're as cynical as I am.

-- Ben Smith

Seamier, Part Deux

Whoa. Now Roger Clemens is being linked romantically (or at least sexually) with one of John Daly's ex-wives.

No way this guy was on steroids. Viagra, maybe. And maybe a fifth of Wild Turkey, which is the only way I can conceive that he wound up with one of Daly's exes.

-- Ben Smith

The naked truth

And now for the Ewwwww Moment of the Day ...

It's John Daly golfing shirtless, boys and girls!

Children under 12 and the easily nauseated are excused.

-- Ben Smith

A rolling Moss

NASCAR Post Ahead ...

This is one of those stories that isn't nearly as bizarre as it sounds.

It seems New England wide receiver Randy Moss is thinking of starting a NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series team.

Randy Moss and NASCAR?

Well ... yeah. Turns out he's a racing fan from way back; he already sponsors a dirt-track team in his native West Virginia. And as he astutely points out, he wouldn't be the first NFL player to get involved in NASCAR. Troy Aikman and Roger Staubach, remember, own a team.

Randy Moss and NASCAR?

Like I said, not so bizarre.

Although it'll be interesting to see how he reacts the first time one of his drivers pulls a Randy Moss and declares he only tries when he feels like it.

-- Ben Smith

Hoop dreams

I see where presidential candidate Barack Obama hooped it up with North Carolina's basketball team yesterday.

Considering the way this political campaign has degenerated into hopelessly inane trivialities, I fully expect this to be used against him somehow. Pastorgate, Bittergate and Bowlinggate, meet Make-It Take-It Gate.

-- Ben Smith

Forgive what?

The question of the day on Pardon The Interruption last night was, "Is it time for Cubs fans to forgive Lee Elia for his now-infamous rant against them 25 years ago today?"

Answer: Of course. Because, frankly, Elia has nothing he needs to be forgiven for.

His four-minute, profanity-laced tongue lashing was directed at a Cub "fan" base that had every bit of it coming that day, considering they'd thrown bottles and garbage at their own players. No fans worth the name would EVER do such a thing, and it made a grotesque lie out of the prevailing notion that Cubs fans are the best fans in the world.

That day, the prevailing notion was a joke. And Elia rightly said as much.

-- Ben Smith   

Perpetual motion

And as additional proof that change is the essential condition of nature ...

Pat Riley has stepped down as coach of the Miami Heat. Again.

Larry Brown has been named head coach of the Charlotte Bobcats.

Three years from now, bank on it, Riley will have taken over as head coach again, stepped down again, taken over again, stepped down again. And Brown will have quit his ninth NBA gig and be in the running for his 10th.

-- Ben Smith

Road trip

Fort Wayne-Port Huron in the Turner Cup Finals inevitably calls to mind the last time it happened, 1973.

I was a senior in high school that year (yes, children, there was such a thing as "high school" in those days; we walked 10 miles through the snow to get there, uphill, both ways, and had to make our own fire).  I've written about it many times before, but the thing I remember most is that last road trip to Port Huron, when 12 busloads of Komets fans made the trip to pack tiny McMorran Arena and watch the Komets finish off the Wings in a four-game sweep.

I remember somebody threw a plastic garbage bag on the ice in the final seconds, and it lay there undisturbed, weirdly, in one faceoff circle. I remember running onto the ice when it was done, yelling like the 18-year-old idiot I was. I remember nearly getting run down by big Cal Purinton, and sharing a few illegal beers with a buddy on the bus ride home, and listening to some woman in the back mooning boozily about hunky forward Dean Sheremeta.

Somehow I think it will be, um, slightly different this time. Although reprising the 12-busloads-of-Komets-fans thing would be pretty cool.

-- Ben Smith 

Headline of the day

Click here to see what it is.

Just goes to show that maverick journalist Hunter S. Thompson was right when he uttered his famous line, "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

Or become international soccer stars, apparently.

-- Ben Smith

Torch update

And, in other news, the Olympic torch made its first visit to North Korea today, where it was greeted by "peaceful and attentive crowds."

This was largely because North Korea, a nation run by a homicidal maniac who rules with an iron fist, has been staunch in its support of China and its persecution of Tibetan dissidents. After all, the two countries have an understanding of sorts.

One repressive hellhole to another, you might say.

-- Ben Smith

Seamier and seamier

The increasingly tawdry you-know-what-ing match between Roger Clemens and his former trainer, Brian McNamee, just got even slimier, if that's possible.

Now McNamee's attorneys are alleging Clemens had a decade-long affair with country music star Mindy McCready.

Frankly I don't know what this has to do with the central issue, steroids, other than to prove McNamee's people are every bit the equal of Clemens and his people in the Who Wants To Be A Jackass category. But it seems to me accusing Clemens of sexual escapades works against McNamee.

After all, one of the side effects of steroid use is decreased sexual desire. And, uh, you know, function.

-- Ben Smith

Talladega slights

NASCAR Post Ahead ...

File this one under "Pet Peeves I Have Known."

Mine, in this case, has to do with restrictor plate races. I hate 'em. But it never occurred to me exactly why until I was watching the end of the race at Talladega yesterday.

Once again, a potentially slam-bang finish was marred by another accident in the final three laps, and we were treated instead to the spectacle of Kyle Busch creeping safely beneath the checkers under the yellow. It pretty much looked like the finish of every restrictor plate race, or almost every one, I've ever seen.

I could retire in luxury if I had a buck for every crash I've seen in the last 10 laps of one of these deals, and it's all because everyone's buzzing around at 200 mph in one massive clump, every single car of which is trying to get to the front. The result is such entirely predictable chaos you could set your watch by it.

I was hoping against hope it wouldn't happen again yesterday, but of course it did. In fact it happened several times in the last 20 laps, just as it did at Daytona.

NASCAR needs to do something. I don't know what, but something.

-- Ben Smith   

Passing the Bucs

And since this is my Blob ...

Indulge me while I rant a bit about my sadsack Pittsburgh Pirates.

The Buccos just cut Matt Morris loose after squandering $10 million on him last July and getting nothing, zip, nada out of him. So far this season he was 0-4 with an ERA pushing double digits.

The thing about it that made me laugh out loud was team president Frank Coonelly's assertion that signing Morris, who's essentially been a washed-up has-been for three years, was proof that ownership was serious about putting a championship team on the field.

Oh, piffle. If ownership was serious about putting a championship team on the field, they'd have signed Johan Santana, not blown a fifth of their payroll on Matt Morris. They signed Matt Morris because, relatively speaking, he came cheap. And cheap's a way of life for my guys.

-- Ben Smith   

I feel a draft

A couple of observations from the first day of the NFL draft:

* Mel Kiper Jr.s hair was, as usual, formidable.

* With their first pick, and the 59th overall, the Colts took center Mike Pollak from Arizona State. The short-term plan is to move him to guard. The long-term plan is to shore up depth along the offensive front, which is why the Colts passed on higher profile players such as Penn State linebacker Dan Connor.

I mention Connor because I've at least heard of him. Pollak, I haven't -- not a surprise, considering center is generally where the government sends people enrolled in the Witness Protection Program.

* The Bears had zero luck last year turning Cedric Benson into a feature back. Illinois' Rashard Mendenhall was still on the board when they made their first pick. Sounds like a no-brainer, right?

Turns out it was.

Turns out there apparently no brains involved at all in the decision to pass on Mendenhall and select offensive lineman Chris Williams of Vanderbilt instead.  Great. So now the Bears can shore up the offensive line to protect a non-existent passing game and a non-existent running game.

* Wow, did Michigan receiver Mario Manningham sink like a stone. The Giants finally took him in the third round with the 95th pick -- or 54 picks after Buffalo took Indiana's James Hardy.

* And just because I can't stop banging on the guy ...

With their first pick, and the 27th overall, the San Diego Chargers selected Antoine Cason, a defensive back out of Arizona.

"Who?" head coach Norv Turner said.

-- Ben Smith

Sign of the apocalypse

So I see where college Player of the Year Tyler Hansbrough of North Carolina, who's already put in three seasons in Chapel Hill, is coming back for his senior season.

The end times are surely upon us now.

I mean, if more people follow Hansbrough's lead, the concept of the "student-athlete," as the NCAA insists on calling its pros-in-training, might actually become a reality. And we couldn't have THAT.

-- Ben Smith

Cubs pass a milestone

Congrats to the Chicago Cubs on their 10,000th franchise victory, 7-6 in 10 innings over the Colorado Rockies.

For those of you who aren't allergic to history, win No. 1 came on April 25, 1876, a 4-0 victory over Louisville. That was two months to the day before Custer got his at the Little Bighorn.

Now it's only 132 years later, and the Cubs are already at 10,000. Can these guys win, or what?

-- Ben Smith   

Pacman lands

Looks like the saga of Adam "Pacman" "Bugsy" "Machine Gun" "The Teflon Don" Jones, the Human Crime Spree will continue in Dallas.

Numerous news sources say he's about to sign a deal with the Cowboys.

And if you're asking here, "Is Jerry Jones insane?", the answer is, "Maybe." That's pretty much always been the answer to that question, after all.

But think about it. He'll get the guy for a song because, let's face it, the Pacster has zero bargaining power at this point. So there's minimal risk for the Cowboys, even if the Human Crime Spree screws up again, which he will. And when he does, he'll be gone for good, and life will go on in Dallas much as it did before Pacman showed up.

Yeah, he could be the match in the pool of gasoline that is the Cowboys' already volatile locker room.  But maybe he runs back a punt or two to win Dallas a game, too. In which case, Jerry Jones will have gotten his money's worth.

-- Ben Smith    

Bull stuff

More mascot delinquency, this time from Chicago.

Apparently the Bulls mascot, Benny the Bull, is being sued by a Chicago dentist.

His crime?

According to the published accounts, he slipped while high-fiving fans in the stands, grabbed the arm of a certain Dr. Don Kalant Sr., and ruptured the guy's bicep muscle. Kalant later had surgery on the arm and could miss up to four weeks of work, according to his attorney. So of course he's suing the Bulls.

Frankly I think this falls under the heading of "frivolous lawsuit."

After all, you go to a Bulls game, you accept certain risks as inherent. Kirk Hinrichs could hit you in the schnozz with an errant pass. Joakim Noah could cause intestinal distress. Benny the Bull could fall in your lap.

Sorry, but if Kalant wasn't up for getting a faceful of Benny, he shouldn't have gone to the game. Sounds to me like he saw this as a way to fulfill every American's dream in these litigious times.

Which is: "They've got money. Here's my chance to get some of it."

-- Ben Smith

NHL vs. seafood

This one comes to me from an alert reader of the Blob.

(OK, so it comes to me from managing editor and hockey fan Sherry Skufca. She still counts as an alert reader).

Anyway ... it seems the NHL is cracking down on a time-honored practice in Detroit.

No, not throwing slimy dead octopi onto the ice. Swinging said octopi around one's head, which is what fabled octopi-cleanup guy Al Sobotka does to get the denizens of the Joe all wound up.

The NHL, citing the likelihood that chunks of treacherous octopus matter will fly off and land on the ice in the process, thereby creating a hazard, has deemed it a $10,000 fine to swing an octopus around one's head.

Personally, I think Gary Bettman's wearing his underwear too tight. I mean, come on, hockey has few enough traditions as it is (let alone fans). What's a little octo-goo when you've got a chance to inject color into a sport no one but Versus will touch?

Hey, if it's octopi the NHL has a problem with, let the fans throw Alaskan king crab on the ice for Sobotka to swing. They can always claim it's an homage to "The Deadliest Catch."

-- Ben Smith